i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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