Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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