can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
