hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
this will be a night to untag.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
