i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
