i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
