new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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