Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
