I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
