the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
