Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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