break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
