can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
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2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize