Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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