i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
