I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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