I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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