I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
