Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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