I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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