I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
