ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
