I haven't been this sober since birth.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
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I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
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He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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