mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
