i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
there was a trapeze. enough said
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
