the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
