I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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