Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
