So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
