no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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