my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
