apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
