What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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