and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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