I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
