I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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