Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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