so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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