I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
