i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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