Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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