Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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