Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
