I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
