if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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