youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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