1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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