I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
