I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
