dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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