my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
