four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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