I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
