i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
is that a dick in a sweater?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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