I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
