he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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