Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
