Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
